I have been struggling with my thought life, as of late. Whether it be good things that are taking up too much of my mental space, anxious thoughts that begin to consume, or depression settling in: I have been bogged down by the spiral of my own conception.

It’s here, in my thought life, that I have come to this understanding which I will never have it said of me that was said of David so many millennia ago.

“After He had removed him, He raised up David to be their king, concerning whom He also testified and said, ‘I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My heart, who will do all My will.’” Acts 13:22 reiterates that David was a man after God’s own heart. God picked him out from the sons of Jesse and called him to a ministry far beyond what that young shepherd boy could’ve even dreamed. David wasn’t without fault and clearly had this ongoing battle of whether he would yield to the Lord or if he would yield to his flesh. He was far from perfect but when confronted with the verity of his sins, he repents and takes ownership of his failings. Time and time again I see his heart breaking for what breaks God’s heart. And I believe it is there that I find how he was still a man after God’s own heart, despite his sins. God wouldn’t say it again in Acts if it wasn’t still true.

So, bearing this in mind, I don’t know if God would say the same is true of me. I wish to be a woman after God’s own heart, but I know I don’t measure up. This isn’t just about the sins I have struggled with throughout my life; I believe that to be “someone after God’s own heart” goes deeper than having sin or not having sin. (Otherwise, David wouldn’t have qualified!!)

Here I am, wrestling with my own insecurities. As I write this, God is calling me to something deeper still. Although I may not be where I wish I could be spiritually, I know that what Paul wrote to the church in Philippi remains true today. We were reading through Philippians 1:1-11 tonight in youth group bible study and two verses stood out to me specifically.  Verses 3-5 say, “I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, ⁴ always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all, ⁵ in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now.” I was challenged by this because I know that I couldn’t say that I have participated in the gospel from the day I was saved until today. Many days have gone by that I haven’t walked with the Lord. I let that sit heavily on my heart and began to lean into the shame and guilt that came along with these thoughts. God doesn’t have Paul stop there though. He continues on by saying, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Here I can rest assured that although I may have been the wayward child in the past, and I may not be where I had hoped to be spiritually today, I can continue moving onward with the Lord and trust that He will produce in me what He desires and in His timing.

Colossians 3:2-3 says, “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” I could sit and dwindle away in my past, or I could even look at other wiser women around me and lean into the feeling of inadequacy; both are options that myself and many others take at various moments. Today, and everyday, I will take those thoughts captive though. Each day I want to die to myself over and over again. To play any comparison game where I’m measuring my growth or capability is to both forget that I am completely bankrupt alone and I have taken my eyes off the Author and Perfector of my faith. None of us will ever “measure up” and that is why God sent His Son to sacrifice Himself on our behalf. We could never do what was needed to be accomplished and to kid ourselves into anything evocative of this would be to cheapen the cross. “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness’s are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.” Isaiah 64:6 shows us that our very best in our own effort is dishonorable.

Practically then, when I feel these insecurities begin to bubble up again or I’m tempted to sink into anxieties/depression, I will pause to take it captive. I will not be held hostage by my thought life but instead hand it over to the Lord and let Him speak truth that can pierce the heart. I can set these things down at the foot of the cross and know that my God has already won the war. “It is finished” rings in my ears as I let go of wistful thinking and grab hold of the gospel.